part of learning how to ask for things
Your name
in the Dentist’s office, my childhood too-small bed, the bath, the shopping mall
which feels like some version of my personal hell.
In the backyard where it is quiet except for the beating of the wings of small birds.
My father refreshes the seed in the feeder daily
and has some books to help him identify the different species.
One bird is starving and bogarts the bird house, eating more than it seems it’s tiny body can handle
and I wonder if it will explode from eating that much and so fast.
The green-brown at the base of the trees reminds me again of your name.
But maybe it’s the color of your eyes
and the way you brush your teeth like you are exacting revenge
or out to win a contest.
Or, like you are about to kiss me and want it to be good.
But you know, I want to taste what you had for dinner
and the last cigarette you smoked.
I want to know the brand and how many you had.
I can further learn you through handling you by the nape of your neck,
where your hair stops short.
Pick you up in my teeth and carry you around town all day like a mother dog.
Then you say “baby” and I shrink down again
with the ability to nest inside of you
where I just fit, and that’s a surprise.
I want to have the most of you in these moments.
I’m rapacious and I’m not scared of you
or your body
which may have restricted zones but I don’t need to go there.
I like being told what not to do.
It reminds me of Catholic school.
Confession: I like when men narrow their eyes upon seeing us together on the train.
I used to drink my coffee black.
I’ve gone soft.
I used to be more hip, my outerwear less appropriate for the weather.
Had I met you 4 years ago we could have puked into trash cans in tandem.
You could have pulled me off the bathroom floor at “Tits n’ Skits” and told me everything is OK
when it clearly was not.
I’m glad this is not our shared history, for the record.
We can do anything we want. I think?
Though we can’t walk in the right direction
or crawl out from under the covers to eat food.